Belief Coaching for Love and Relationships

Problem/challenge: Simon felt unhappy in his love life

Old Belief: “I’m not getting the affection I want and need. I must be doing something wrong.”
New Beliefs:
– “My own happiness is not defined by other people.
– I’m a happy, playful person.
– I’m happy with myself.”

Simon decided to participate in a Belief Coaching session because he didn’t feel as if he could really be himself in his love life, he had to be what the women in his life wanted him to be. He had a history of getting into unhealthy co-dependent relationships where either he or his partner would feel overly needy in their attachment to one another. He would often “pine” for the love and attention he felt wasn’t getting. He wanted to be single so that he could work on himself and break that pattern. However, when Simon was pursued by a woman who he thought shared his beliefs about relationships, he changed his mind. Once in the relationship, he feared that she was becoming overly needy and co-dependent. The more she demanded his love and attention, the more he felt himself pulling away. He felt a separation growing between them, and he began to feel unfulfilled in the relationship. Where did that feeling come from?

Simon recalled a time when he was a young boy playing with his brother. Without warning, and for no discernible reason, his mother came over and yelled at them. She did this often. This startled Simon because he couldn’t understand what he had done wrong. He looked to his father who was sitting in a nearby chair reading a newspaper to intervene, but his father chose to hide behind his paper, remain silent and ignore the situation. Simon felt confused and hurt. I suggested that in order for him to feel confused and hurt – he would have to have a belief in his mind that made him feel this way. He agreed. He used to tell himself: “I’m not worthy (for his father to intervene). I’m not doing something right. It’s my fault, but I don’t know why.”

During his Belief Coaching session, Simon made the connection that he took what he felt he wasn’t getting from his mother and projected it onto the relationships he had with every girl in whom he was interested. Once he made the connection, he began to see his entire life and his relationships from a whole different perspective. “It changed everything drastically” for him:

“My own happiness is not defined by other people – by my mom’s overreaction or my dad’s underreaction. It had nothing to do with me. It’s not my issue. It doesn’t matter.”

“I let my environment, I let other people tell me how I feel instead deciding how I felt, choosing it for myself.

There’s always been this part of me that’s a happy, playful person. If I didn’t put my feelings in other people’s hands, I would have taken ownership of that.”

Ultimately, Simon realized that he no longer felt an unhealthy need for female attention and affection. He concluded: “I’m happy with myself” and felt better about himself than he had in a long time. He felt free to be more himself.

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